Most managers did not set out to manage. They were good at the work and the promotion came attached. So when someone tells me, honestly, I just want to do what I love to do, I am not that interested in the people part, I get it. That is not a bad manager. The problem is that the impact they want does rely on these other individuals they "are not that interested in".
On Monday I wrote about the trust equation: credibility, reliability and intimacy, all divided by
Let's focus on this denominator.
Self-orientation is not a flaw to be surgically removed. Everyone has it. You should have some. A leader with no interest in their own success is unlikely to have the vision nor the drive to really go after something, and so as a result, their team is unlikely to feel inspired by them.
The question is the ratio.
Does the other person sense your interest in yourself is bigger than your interest in them, or in the work, or the company?
That is what people are measuring. Not whether you want things. Whether wanting things is all that is happening.
A manager told me that his team doesn't say much. They answer his questions and stop. His explanation was that they are introverted. So I asked, "how much are you sharing with them?" and he admitted, "not much, perhaps I'm an introvert too". He is getting exactly what he is giving.
Another leader told me he never wanted any of this from his own boss, so he could not see why his people would need it from him. Sure, many of us might agree with him too. But it is not reliable to use one's own definitions to judge others. It is the same error as buying someone the gift you would like to receive.
Both reasons are true. Both are still the leader's to fix.
Look up how to lower your self-orientation and you get a list: Ask open questions. Listen actively. Confirm their agenda. These are behaviors, but the real issue is not your behavior.
People are not reading what you do, they are reading why you are doing it. I have watched managers use flawless open-ended questions to hunt for weaknesses ("I asked to get them to realize they are wrong!"). Whether a question lands as curiosity or as interrogation depends on the trust already there. You need to have earned the right to be curious.
You cannot lower the denominator by working on the numerator.
Whether you think you are self-oriented is almost irrelevant. What counts is what the other person experiences. And most of us never consider checking this.
We assume our intent is visible. But think about when you see someone else's behavior, how do you know what the intent is? Behavior is ambiguous. So they guess using the data they have, which is based on everything else you have ever done prior to this moment.
So if your intent is good and you are still read as self-oriented, that is yours to fix. Good intent nobody can see is worth nothing. Say it out loud. And if the perception is accurate? Then better communication will not save you. They are not misreading you.
I suggested to a new manager: try the truth. I am new at this. When I was junior, I had people who guided me for no reason other than that they wanted to. I am grateful for it, and I would like to do that for you.
(Update: he tried it. The team responded warmly and positively. He was encouraged! It's a start of a new way.)
For a leader with history, it sounds different. I have been told people experience me as only caring about myself. I think that is fair. I want to change it, and I know one conversation will not do it.
Across both, it's the same move. You go first and you name it. You stop assuming they can see what you meant.
And notice something about the question "What do I do to build trust?". It is a self-oriented question. So is "what would make this person trust me?" Both have you at the center. Both are about what you get. The question that actually works does not have you in it at all.
You cannot answer any of those from inside your own head. And trust, as it happens, tends to show up when you stop trying to get it.
If this has sparked some curiosity, I would love to continue the conversation at diane@ptminsights.com.
