I have watched leaders do it without realizing. One had a head tilt. You would offer an idea, and her head would tilt, her lips would purse, and she would say nothing. The silence said it for her. After a while, people stopped offering ideas.
Another would say thanks for the draft, and then quietly rewrite the whole thing. He never said it was not good enough. He did not have to. People learned there was no point putting their real effort in, because it would be redone anyway.
A third would show me screenshots of messages other people had sent him. He thought he was sharing a joke. What he was actually teaching me was that nothing I said to him was safe, that I too could become the screenshot one day. So I stopped telling him anything real.
None of these leaders ever openly criticized anyone. That is what made them so effective at producing silence. You cannot push back against a head tilt.
There is a subtler version, and it is the one I have caught in myself.
We ask for people's views. What do you think. Tell me honestly. We run the meeting, we invite the input, and we believe we are being open. But often the answer is already decided before we ask. The question is a formality. And people can feel that. They learn that speaking up changes nothing, so why take the risk.
I used to do this. I would ask for opinions while already holding the answer in my head. That is not the same as genuinely asking. It took me a while to see the difference between asking to confirm what I already thought versus asking because I wanted to find the answer together.
If you want courageous authenticity from the people around you, the questions are simple.
What am I missing? Where am I wrong? What are you not telling me?
They take five seconds to ask. The hard part is not the words. It is meaning them.
Because the first time you ask, the answer will often be nothing. No one believes the question is real yet. So you tell them why you are asking. That you want to build something different, a place where the hard thing gets said, and that it has to start with you actually wanting to hear it. And then you ask again, and again, until they believe you.
All of it rests on one thing. Genuine curiosity. The real wish to know.
People can tell instantly whether you actually want their answer or are performing the question. The same five words, what do you really think, are hollow with a head tilt behind them and powerful with genuine curiosity behind them.
And here is what I have seen lately, when I say to someone, I am really curious about this, and I mean it. Something lights up in them. A spark. The moment they realize they are actually being asked, and that the answer is wanted, they come alive. It is one of the most beautiful things to watch.
One curious question will not undo years of learned silence. That is slower work, and it is cultural, and it is where I will go next. But it starts here, with one real question, asked because you genuinely want to know.
Over the next week, ask one. And actually not know the answer.
If this has sparked some curiosity, I would love to continue the conversation at diane@ptminsights.com.
